MEDIA ROOTS- When
my fiancé proposed two years ago, it took until the euphoria of the engagement
had passed to realize that I had never fully developed my own thoughts about
marriage.
As many people do, I accepted marriage as if it were as fundamental
to life’s trajectory as birth or death- without ever really questioning if,
or why, I wanted it.
Realizing that I had never critically examined the meaning of entering into a lifelong monogamous commitment to someone, I set out to discover
what it means for my fiancé and I. What resulted was a personal journey that I had
not seen coming.
Raised in the era of booming divorce
rates, I know plenty of people who say they will never marry. Some believe that
true love is a farce or that monogamous dedication to one person for eternity
is a recipe for a life built on lies and fading happiness. But as a deeply
passionate romantic myself, I always believed in being swept off my feet into
an all-absorbing vortex of everlasting, heart-racing love. What I did not
initially understand is that my view of marriage was on the opposite end of
the same simplified spectrum as those who reject it. Both perceptions are fed
by cultural stereotypes – one of a fated fairy-tale love, and the other of a bachelor’s freedom
lost to a ball and chain.
The significance of an eternal union and the
commitment it entails are simplified through and through in our society, crafting
expectations that can be destructive to the relationship and family. The media,
in the form of television, movies and tabloids, sensationalizes relationships to provide the most possible drama, ultimately painting black and
white over the dynamics of marriage and reinforcing one extreme over the other
– either a tumultuous love broken, or a star-crossed love sustained. In family and religious contexts marriage
is often portrayed as an end to abstinence, the fulfillment of a cultural
expectation, or the means to a healthy family.
Rarely is it explained to people growing up that
marriage is different for everyone. Perhaps such a conversation seems like
stating the obvious because, of course, marital outcomes are different. Yet
marriage is often regarded as something that couples succeed or fail at, as if
the factors and dynamics are the same for every pair. Also, rarely is it
explained that this eternal and legal union serves different purposes and
meanings for different people. The consequence of simplifying something that
can take various forms is that people with different expectations and
understandings of what marriage is, commit to it without consideration of what
it means in very real, personal and practical terms.
My fiancé is an exceptional person who embodies everything I
want and need. There was never a doubt that the connection we share is unique
and our ability to communicate and be real with each other, enviable. Yet, I was
unclear about what it personally meant to marry someone. We had planned
for a long engagement and in that time my relentlessly critical and questioning
mind went to work diving into thoughts I had never before considered. What would that kind of commitment be like
for us, and how would we maintain it despite the challenges that repeatedly
arise in life and relationships? How do we keep our relationship that we
encounter every day from growing old? Is it possible to stay in sync with
another person forever? The answers revealed themselves clearly over time; however, a
couple trains of thought gave me considerable pause.
Naturally, I spent significant time
contemplating monogamy. As animals, monogamy strikes me as unnatural. Marriage
is a life path created by culture, not nature. This was an important
realization in my process because I could not justify marriage as the natural
progression of a relationship in love. I had to dig deeper to powerfully
strengthen my personal understanding of marriage.
Part of that process entailed figuring out if,
and why, I want to be a part of a unit for the rest of my life. Did I still
want time to grow on my own and apart from another? When was the last time that
I got to just focus on myself? Months of introspection revealed that my doubt
was not a matter of commitment to my fiancé. It centered on our timing and what
it meant for my independence as a young person in my early twenties. It hit me, that in a culture bent on rugged individualism and every-man-for-himself independence, how important other people are for our growth is left heavily under-emphasized. Instead of recognizing the powerful impetus for growth that a relationship provides, I had questioned if I would be weak for not spending an extended period of my life with only myself to depend on.
Then I remembered a quote that had
strongly resonated with me. It is a quote that speaks to something that I hear
so little of in discussions about marriage- the opportunity that an eternal union
provides for spiritual growth through introspection and self-betterment.
“In former times, if people wanted to explore the deeper mysteries of life, they
would often enter a monastery or hermitage far away from conventional family
ties. For many of us today, however, intimate relationship has become the new
wilderness that brings us face to face with our gods and demons. It is calling
on us to free ourselves from old habits and blind spots, to develop a full
range of our powers, sensitivities and depths as human beings- right in the
middle of every day life.” (John Welwood, Love and Awakening, 1996)
Rediscovering
this passage landed me in the certainty and personal truth I had been seeking.
I discovered that for us, marriage is a journey and the love that led my fiancé
and I to this life-long commitment is what will shape and evolve us.
I learned
that giving your full love and true commitment to one person is one of the most
incredible and challenging adventures a human can embark on. How two partners
move through changes together, and independently, continually shapes the
possibilities and mood of their shared future. We reveal sides of ourselves to
our long term partners that few, if any, ever see. As a result we are forced to
deal head on with the consequences, good and bad, of who we are – our behavior
and actions.
It becomes impossible to deny that the way we live and the energy
we emit are inextricably linked to the feelings and well being of others,
especially those who we share in love with. A union that is sustained by
happiness and deep fulfillment requires that we are loving to ourselves yet
firm in the understanding that we each make mistakes and feel a need to be
heard and respected.
A lifelong commitment of love is not easy because
love alone is not enough. It takes bravery to fully expose yourself to, and to
fully receive, someone. It takes courage and compassion to admit the ‘demons’
inherent in all of us and to take on the challenge of transcending those
weaknesses. But the beauty of this challenge is that it is made possible
through love. Love does not trap or imprison people. Love, free of the selfish
ego, liberates us from our pain, our ‘old habits and blind spots’ by giving us
the space to discover and grow while also illuminating the beauty in life that
allows life to continue and flourish. When you can feel that you are fully
loved and accepted for all the positive and negative that you are, it becomes
easier to let go of the ego that holds you back from bettering yourself as well
as the community.
It struck me that perhaps so many marriages end
in divorce because it is an institution that people take for granted- many
people do not create their own meaning and understanding of marriage and
instead base their expectations on the experiences of others. Just as no two
people are the same, no two relationships are identical. What is created when
two people come together is something built and shaped over time. No
relationship just spontaneously flourishes, or combusts – relationships become
what their parts create.
This means that each relationship has the potential to
be only what the people in it are willing to make it through dedication,
focused attention and effort. A happy union requires a shared willingness to
compromise and grow; an ability to admit when we are wrong and the willingness
to critically reflect on, and take responsibility for, ourselves. We must be
humble, generous and compassionate, always remembering the love that is shared
and its true intention. As I often tell my fiancé, “We are on the same team. We can’t forget that.”
If two people who truly, selflessly love each
other can embark on the journey of a
committed life together, I believe the reward is the most fulfilling, deeply
felt and eternally lasting partnership. Yet, whether or not a partnership enters
into marriage should be something determined by the pair alone, for reasons of
their very own. For my fiancé and I, marriage is the path we will take, making
it our eternal promise to always fully love and support each other in the life
we share, constantly striving to understand and love one another more deeply
and completely so that we may emanate love’s peace and goodness into the
world around us.
Written by alicia, editor for Media Roots
Photo by Brenna Finn